I promise.

To my children:

Today,I yelled. The same as yesterday,and the day before that and the day before that. I feel bad when I yell. When I lose my temper. I know that everyone gets frustrated and it's a normal thing but that doesn't make it feel any better. I know I always say "I'm sorry",and while those words are so important,it doesn't fix anything.

Today we went to Sam's club and getting there was half the battle. There were shoes to put on,bathroom duties and then there's getting to the car.... We fought tooth and nail over those shoes and hair and barely made it out the door. I yelled. We got in the car and went shopping. The trip was not our best one. Everyone lived through it so I'll call it a success. :) 
This mom stuff is hard. It's non-stop and there's so much to do, it's an endless pile of dirty laundry,dishes and diapers. It's dirty faces and hands,it's stuff spilled everywhere,it's toddlers saying 'no' to everything you ask them to do,even eat ice cream! It's crazy and it's thankless. But 20 years from now nobody will remember that. What they will remember is the sweet kisses at the end of every day(and scattered throughout). The times you come in the bathroom and throw open the shower door to say "I love you mommy" The books we read at night. How mom always made their favorite foods when they are sick. How a simple kiss from mommy could make it all better. And it's so funny,but the kiss to make it better works on mommies too! Your kisses and little hugs can turn the rainiest day into a sunny one.

Motherhood(and fatherhood) is hard. Every day you feel as if you have failed your children. Something you did or didn't do,said or didn't say. Something you may have let slide that you wished you had stopped to address or something you flipped out over that was so insignificant and not even worth it. It's hard. But it's the MOST worthwhile thing I have ever done!(you will understand one day) Having two kids that are 13 months apart is rough. They fight like cats and dogs but their love for each other is so true and so strong! If I had it to do over again,I wouldn't change a thing.

Nothing.....but the yelling. So here's my promise to you,my beautiful babies. Mommy is going to try her very best to reach down and find a little more patience every day. I'm going to NOT yell as much. And hopefully soon,I won't yell at all. You see,cycles are hard to break and it's going to be one step at a time. One conflict at a time. But I don't want you to fear me. I want you to respect me and I want to be able to show you the same respect. I want to have a relationship with you that is built on trust,not fear. My own relationship with my parents was far from that. I vow to break the cycle. It may take three times as long to get something done but if we work as a team I believe we can do it! I promise you I will listen to you and respect you. I promise that I will find my patience and use it. I promise that I will be the best mommy I can be and make you both proud. I promise that I will do my best to make sure you are kind and respectful of others. And I promise that I will ALWAYS love you. NO MATTER WHAT!

I love you more than the stars.

                                                                                         Love,
                                                                                       Mommy

                                       Monkeys at the zoo!!!

                                       Ft Walton beach FL. 2013

We have something else to tell you.....

We are pregnant,yes,again. I didn't think it would be possible to have another baby but God had other ideas in store for us. Anyway,I'm 20 weeks and we just found out.....IT'S A GIRL! Mason will be getting a little sister sometime in late September. My due date is 9.23.11. It's gonna be tough and I'm not gonna ever sleep again but then again nothing that's ever been worth it has ever been easy! I just wish my dad was here to celebrate with us. But I know he is looking down right now and smiling and I know he helped pick this special angel just for us!

My daddy

Today I lost my closest alli(other than my hubby),the first man I ever loved,and the greatest man I have ever known,my dad. It still feels like a dream,like I'm gonna wake up and he'll still be here. I knew this day would come but I didn't realize how soon it would be.I wish Mason could have had the chance to get to know him. My dad was great,he always helped people less fortunate,he did charity work for all kinds of causes,he always made time for me. To me that was the best thing. I could always call him for anything and he would be there. I'm going to miss him so much. Even though he never said it I know he loved me,and I know he thought Mason hung the moon! I am so glad that he did get the chance to see and know his grandson,a gift that my grandmother never received. I am so grateful for all that they have done for me (my mom,dad and my grandparents) and I hope that now I get the chance to tell them all. I feel so terrible that I have tarnished my relationship with my mother so badly that it seems ruined. I don't want things to be this way,I want to get along with my mom,and I hope that now we can. I know my father always wanted that. He tried so hard to make things good and I never would budge. I am too stubborn and I really need to change that. I know he wanted a happy family and I want to make it that way for him,too little too late maybe but it's what he would have wanted,it's gonna take some work but I really want to make it happen. I love you dad. I'm gonna miss you more than anything.

looking back...

I loved every moment of being pregnant. I had a fairly easy labor and birth and I feel like I have a good baby. He sleeps through the night ,he took to breastfeeding right away,and he's just so sweet and well behaved. I CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN! Jeff says I'm crazy and so do most of my friends but I don't care. I would do it a thousand times over. I still cry but for different reasons now. At first it was because I thought I couldn't survive without Jeff here and now it's because I am so overcome with emotion all the time that I can't even control it. I love Mason so much,I never knew how much I could love someone and that that love would seem to grow every day! Every day he amazes me by learning something new or doing something so cute,I just have to stop and stare at him. I love that he has such a wonderful family and that they all love him so much! It took so long to get him here but it was worth everything we did! I would love to have another one and soon but if it's not in the cards for us that's OK because we have the best little boy that anyone could ask for.He is growing so fast! The pictures are at birth and 12 weeks!

Mason

HE"S HERE!! Well...he got here 9 weeks ago...But who can blame me for just sitting and looking at him rather than posting blogs? I'm not at my home computer so I'll have to post pictures later but he's just PERFECT! Looks just like his daddy and sleeps so good!!

26 weeks.....

WOW! I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since I last blogged on here! Not much has changed,he's getting bigger and moves a lot but other than that everything is the same,which is good. I can't believe that he will be here in 95 days! We still haven't come up with a name yet and it's really starting to get on my nerves. The baby furniture will be here soon and his room is almost finished. It's really starting to sink in. I never thought I would ever see this day and now it's coming so fast I can hardly wait. I just want to be able to hold him and kiss his little face!

20 weeks...

I went to see the Dr yesterday to have my "Official" anatomy scan and she told me that he weighs 15oz~ A little on the big side but they aren't worried about it so neither am I. I go back in 4 weeks to repeat my glucose test and hopefully I'll pass it as well. Everything else was good,saw the heartbeat and he was moving around,the only thing was they couldn't get a clear shot of his face so we have to repeat the ultrasound when we go back in 4 weeks.

It's starting to warm up around here and hopefully the summer will fly by and at the end of it I'll have my baby boy! I'm hoping to get a pool membership this year so that I'll have someplace to go when the weather gets really hot! The baby is moving a lot at night still and just a little bit during the day. I think he can hear some of what goes on outside because sometimes he responds to hubbys voice by moving. He still has no name...that bugs me but oh well...We are about to start working on his room and hopefully will have most of it done soon. I guess that's it for now,see you in 4 weeks.