Today,I yelled. The same as yesterday,and the day before that and the day before that. I feel bad when I yell. When I lose my temper. I know that everyone gets frustrated and it's a normal thing but that doesn't make it feel any better. I know I always say "I'm sorry",and while those words are so important,it doesn't fix anything.
Today we went to Sam's club and getting there was half the battle. There were shoes to put on,bathroom duties and then there's getting to the car.... We fought tooth and nail over those shoes and hair and barely made it out the door. I yelled. We got in the car and went shopping. The trip was not our best one. Everyone lived through it so I'll call it a success. :)
This mom stuff is hard. It's non-stop and there's so much to do, it's an endless pile of dirty laundry,dishes and diapers. It's dirty faces and hands,it's stuff spilled everywhere,it's toddlers saying 'no' to everything you ask them to do,even eat ice cream! It's crazy and it's thankless. But 20 years from now nobody will remember that. What they will remember is the sweet kisses at the end of every day(and scattered throughout). The times you come in the bathroom and throw open the shower door to say "I love you mommy" The books we read at night. How mom always made their favorite foods when they are sick. How a simple kiss from mommy could make it all better. And it's so funny,but the kiss to make it better works on mommies too! Your kisses and little hugs can turn the rainiest day into a sunny one.
Motherhood(and fatherhood) is hard. Every day you feel as if you have failed your children. Something you did or didn't do,said or didn't say. Something you may have let slide that you wished you had stopped to address or something you flipped out over that was so insignificant and not even worth it. It's hard. But it's the MOST worthwhile thing I have ever done!(you will understand one day) Having two kids that are 13 months apart is rough. They fight like cats and dogs but their love for each other is so true and so strong! If I had it to do over again,I wouldn't change a thing.
Nothing.....but the yelling. So here's my promise to you,my beautiful babies. Mommy is going to try her very best to reach down and find a little more patience every day. I'm going to NOT yell as much. And hopefully soon,I won't yell at all. You see,cycles are hard to break and it's going to be one step at a time. One conflict at a time. But I don't want you to fear me. I want you to respect me and I want to be able to show you the same respect. I want to have a relationship with you that is built on trust,not fear. My own relationship with my parents was far from that. I vow to break the cycle. It may take three times as long to get something done but if we work as a team I believe we can do it! I promise you I will listen to you and respect you. I promise that I will find my patience and use it. I promise that I will be the best mommy I can be and make you both proud. I promise that I will do my best to make sure you are kind and respectful of others. And I promise that I will ALWAYS love you. NO MATTER WHAT!
I love you more than the stars.
Love,
Mommy
Ft Walton beach FL. 2013
